The highs and lows of life

Nowhere Man: I have a simple question for you, Jules; are you addicted to the high of life?

Let me frame this for you, somewhat. A large part of coming to a clearer state of mind is understanding that you can only have happiness in contrast with sadness, ecstasy with pain, joy with sorrow, and love with hate. You probably already know this on an intuitive level, so let me bring it into your conscious mind. The best example is that when you intensely love somebody you tend to get moody with them very easily. As people often say, "I hate you but I love you." You need both to have the intensity, because feelings are like waves... In fact, from a neurobiology standpoint feelings ARE waves of electrical activity in your brain. Waves must have a crest and a trough, they cannot only have one or the other. Another example could be the relief you feel after coming close to an accident. The sudden tension and fear being released causes and upswing of relief and joy.

If you are addicted to the high, then you will likely have a very unconscious understanding that in order to get that high you need to have a low, and so you will seek out negative things without even realizing, so the good things feel better. You will feel attracted to people who might actually be bad for you, because they make your highs higher, or worse still, they feed your ego! Being separated may give you a temporary elation due to the natural upswing, but after a time that up becomes neutral, which feels like a down.

Coming to understand this, and being able to find happiness in contentment, you can eliminate the lows and negatives from your life, but you must also sacrifice the highs and positives with it. It is not to say they go away completely (otherwise you wouldn't be human!) but they become quite dulled, so you get little lows and little highs. Then, after some time, you learn to ride the little highs, appreciate them more and get more from them. You reflect and you grow. You come to understand that these things were really inside you the whole time, and didn't come from others. You only used them as mirrors to get what you wanted.



Jules: I often feel overwhelmed by options, and concern for the future not working out, attributing it to things I should be planning for now in order to set it up right as not to have any regrets. But, also, taking no action when I know at least one thing I would enjoy is silly, just because I won't feel it every moment; especially when those moments are spent outside of that world. I think I should just go for my biology master and let that be that, get involved and let the paths open as it goes. Follow the opportunities. It’s hard to take a leap of faith, I’ve never been good at it, I just want to do everything risk free... But that’s not life.

As for being addicted to the highs and lows I think you are also right; I'm addicted to the intensity. My desire to stand on a tall mountain, in the snow, after a long treacherous hike. Also, the emotions, good and bad, that give life something amazing to be in awe of. As for the negative, I ask myself a lot; do just love punishment, pain? When did it become this way...

Here is the story. LA is a city of selfish, awful, always on their phones/never paying attention, drivers. I often feel road rage and an amazing bitter hate for humanity because of it, often feeling like they are just selfish people who would rather risk the harm of other people than save a phone call for later, or a text. Which is also illegal, but nobody cares, especially during the last couple of months since I’ve been driving more instead of taking a bus (because my boss has be doing errands for a fund-raiser this weekend, and other stuff). However, I often ask myself why I feel this new-found rage, and what has come over me that, at this is time of my life, I am capable of this. I have always thought of myself as positive person, that I like people, that I'm understanding. I sometimes wonder if I like being miserable, or bitter… And condescendingly ask myself this when I drive. I think we all get some high out of feeling powerful, in control. Even if this feeling is attained by being mean to others- dominance. We think we are better in than them in some way.

When I identify that in myself I feel less powerful and more ashamed. I think of myself as always trying to see all things objectively and not judge the masses, because they are comprised of individual stories, and I can’t possibly know those stories. How does people being shitty drivers translate to me becoming so bitter about humanity? Am I just extrapolating on who they are as a person by how they drive, or even less, just anthropomorphizing the "body language" of these cars, which I know to be driven by people?

I look upon their faces, and I ask myself, what kind of person is this? I often judge them, I think they are bad people when it looks like they spent hours on their hair and make-up (men and women). When they look unhappy, and other things. It's irrational on my end, because I get mad at people for honking at stupid things, like being impatient rather than to prevent an accident.

And then, I am guilty of doing the same! Being entirely impatient and upset when they drive at anything less than perfection, and then I feel entitled to honk at them to set it right! I'm not laying on the horn or anything, just trying to give a little prod. But still...

The point of all this is the underlying psychology. Hypocrisy aside, I am talking about the bitterness. Maybe that’s the pain and flow of my life right now, manifesting. I sense it- the feeling of impatience I have for my life in all aspects. I'm waiting- nervously waiting- for my life to take action. There is the Peru volunteering month I wait for, there is my career, and graduate school applications, whether I will get in and where I will end up going (to EU, stay in LA, or even over to Aus/NZ?)... Also, I'm still bitter about the ex-boyfriend situation on some level, how he can want me and not want me at the same time... It's frustrating. Along with that, there is also an emphasis on the future. That he wants me back in 2 months. Not now. That he loves me but wants a distance. Then there is myself, wanting to be free and not get back with someone who has broken up with me and changed their mind. I have the feeling that RIGHT NOW I am free enough to leave, travel, with no ties. If I get back to him in January, I'm scared I won't have the strength to do what needs to be done: leave LA and go abroad for graduate school like I want to right now. I think this is best for my growth. I don't like the future I envision with him- a fear of staying in LA, not amounting to my fullest potential, because I'm clinging to an unhealthy relationship.

It becomes unhealthy when I cannot live to my full potential, and don't even want to in that situation, when I am addicted to a lifestyle with him, only to later regret wasting my 20s. Whether that relationship works out or not.


Nowhere Man: I think, in relation to you feeling angry/bitter, these are not your feelings, but instead you are soaking up the feelings of all those around you. It is often hard, but you may notice you'll be in one place and feel fine and happy with a few people around, then go somewhere busy and suddenly you feel frustrated, angry, judgemental, out of nowhere. These feelings are strong and people tend to pick up on them easily. You need to remain conscious of when these feelings start creeping up, and push positive energy back. Who knows, maybe you'll break the cycle and the people around you will feel a little better!

We can find whatever feelings we like in our life. Our lives are complex. There is, I would say, equal amounts of excitement and happiness if you were to look for them. The secret is, where is your head at? And is it really how you feel, or how you're being influenced to feel?

Feeling bitter or angry can be a justification for your actions. I understand this very well in myself. Sometimes, it just is easier to give in to the frustration. It feels like it justifies doing something irrational. But that is the lower-mind talking, and a return to calm is only a few deep breaths and a little understanding away.